Moving on...

2013 bye... 2014, hi.

We are moving on... I just have few wishes for this year and that is...

To graduate --- It feels sad to leave school yet, I want it to end, too. Last year had been a struggle.. my subjects, feasibs and all about school stuffs! So I hope, my internship now would end good and this April... I'll finally March on the stage and get my diploma.

Healthy family --- This is a wish more for my Mom. She seems getting weaker and weaker each year. I hope this year, she wouldn't be like that... I hope she'd be more happy and healthy.

More manuscripts --- as I've said to my last posts.... I'm having a dilemma. I hope this year, I wouldn't experience that.

And yes.. LOVELIFE --- I'm longing for it. Hahaha! Besides, I expect to graduate this year and ehem... HIM, we are the same right? Hahaha!

Thank you 2013. More blessings 2014.

Happy Happy New Year!

xx

Cady

I'm losing it.

Writing is like loving HIM...

Writing is not as easy as what you think... And its the same from HIM. There are nights that you just want to give up because it doesn't seems right. And loving him is like that. Being with him doesn't seems right....

But I love it...

You can't demand in writing and so am I to HIM. In writing, patience is a virtue. You have to cope-up with your editors. I just can't say that I need the feedback now because I need money now. You have to bear in mind that they have other manuscripts to handle and so to HIM. I can't demand to him because I am not only his priorities. He have other works and he has his family, too.

But I love it...

Writing seems not the practical path. As I have said, I can't demand from it. If there's no approved manuscript, you don't have money. And its really hard to support myself if I don't have. Especially that I want to have monthly subscription of something *eherm* secret for now after I graduate. What if I write and its returned? I won't have money. I can't subscribe to that thing. And loving him, its not practical... He is from the other side of the world. We are different beliefs, different culture... How can I be with him?

But I love it...

Writing makes me always wait... and so is HIM. And yes, waiting is not my attitude.

But I love it...

And now, I am losing my drive in writing. And no, its not that I am losing my love from him... Its just that, I have this moment that I feel like I am giving him up because I am hurt. I am not his priority and it breaks my heart like writing now... I am losing it because of some I don't know and can't admit reasons...

It really feels sad feeling this way but... my mind feels like giving up.

Okay, lets talk all about writing now... I feel like giving up because I can't finish a novel anymore. Its been my dilemma since October and... uggh! What is wrong with me? I don't know if its because I am trying to have a new genre in writing or is it because I am really losing it... I can't decide. Plus the pressure that people bring to me.. I have plans after graduation but feels like I can't fulfill it because of what is happening on me right now. I know, I need to decide soon....

But...

I don't want to accept the fact that I am losing it because I love it... It breaks my heart thinking that someday, time will come that I have to let it go and choose the practical path.

I love writing but I need to choose... and knowing me as a practical person... I'm torn between.

xx

Cady

Grateful

Aww... I miss blogging! Medyo busy na kasi saka tinatamaan ng katamaran kaya ngayon na lang nakapag-blog... but anyway, I'm here again so... Hehe!

Today is Christmas and I have so much things to be grateful of. Okay, hindi naman maiiwasan na may problems pa rin... but if I look the things around me, I know, I have a lots of blessings more than that. Kaya kapag nalulungkot ako, kinakalma ko na lang ang sarili ko sa tuwing tinitignan ko ang mga bagay na iyon.

I'm grateful about my Internship. My superiors are all nice. They even give me gifts on Christmas and let me join for their department treats. Kapag may pagkain, di rin puwedeng wala ako. Hahaha! I'm happy I am working for them, with them.

I'm grateful for all the gifts that I receive...  Most of them are unexpected... and I love unexpected gifts!

I'm grateful about HIM... Yes, he doesn't have enough time for me. But still, he remembers me. Kahit na wala siyang PC sa bahay at internet para mabati ako, he still find a way. That's the most important thing for me then.

I'm grateful I have my family and spend the Christmas with them. Thank you for still making us complete this year.

I'm grateful about everything God gave to me. Kahit hindi na ako nakakapagsimba madalas, still, hindi niyo pa rin ako pinapabayaan. You're still with me. Thank you so much po.

Oh yes, this post is about thank you's. Hahaha! Its the season to give thanks and to be happy. Merry Christmas and Happy Happy Birthday Jesus! :)

xx

Cady

Reasons Why You Shouldn't Be Demanding To HIM

Reasons Why You Shouldn't Be Demanding To HIM

1. You are not his girlfriend.

2. Even though he was busy, still, he makes time for you. (Even if its just a few minutes of talk)

3. He always has a good reason when he cannot talk to you.

4. Sometimes he doesn't talk to you because he knew you are busy. He just left you for your own convenience. When you are busy, he won’t nag at you or demand to you like you always did to him. He wants you to do what you need to do.

5. On important occasions, he is always there for you. Every holiday, he will greet you. And do you remember every time your birthday comes? He will really try to catch you. On your first birthday with him, he have a city work and just to greet and talk to you, he left his work for a break and went to a computer shop to go online and talk to you even if it’s just a few minutes. Your last birthday, even if he is not sure that you will come online because you have class, he waited for you and even try to talk to you for a while.

6. He gave you a gift even if you don’t give him one in return.

7. He always tries to grant your request, even though he would spend a lot of money for it.

8. He always supports you on what you want and doesn’t even try to make you down like what most people always do to you. Remember when you failed on that exam and you are afraid of what he would say because the day before that exam, you were talking to him and telling him that you were lazy and do the things you weren’t supposed to do? You are afraid that he might get mad to you because of the result. Still, he doesn’t get mad at you. Instead, he said you can do better next time.

9. He doesn’t just care for you; he cares for your family, too. He asks how is your mom and your brother and even advices/give you treatment for them when they are sick.

10. When he was away, like when he is in Mumbai and doesn’t even have his PC and connection to mail you and have a whole week of work, he would come every rest day of him on a PC shop just to see and talk to you. And don’t forget the time that you were expecting him and he didn’t come at that time? He still went on the day on a computer shop and even if its already late, still, he told you his reasons and ask you to be with him the next day.

And return to reason number 1... 100 times until you get it.

xx

Cady

Happy 2 years :)

"I love you. I can’t see your smile or hold your hand; but I hear your voice. And every word you speak makes me fall in love with you all over again." 

(c) Tumblr

When I saw this quote.... I immediately thought of him. Ah, perks of having an *eherm* in another country.

Its already September and we've been together for 2 years. Together? Ah, together as good friends---as we call it. I am happy that I have found a guy like him, a guy whom I can share all my rants, my opinions, thoughts, and can even told my deepest secrets that I've never even told to my real close friends and best friends. He was a guy whom I can ask anything, share anything... its the first time I've been really close and attach to a guy and even know him that close for so long... I have failed relationships in the past, so I am really thankful for having him this long. Even if we're not that official and I can't say that he's mine, still, he was a guy I am looking for. A companion? Well, something like that. A guy who can handle my immaturity and can understand the "mean" me.

I just hope we'll last longer... Build more deeper relationship? LOL. I know for the coming next month, it would be harder. We are both having internships---he'll go to Mumbai again. Back to the "Sunday rendezvous" again, I think. This time, it would be longer...so it would be harder. I just hope that everything won't change that much.

xx

Cady

Writing and giving signs...

Naalala ko noong first year college ako, kapag kakain kami ng friend ko, minsan ay nagto-toss coin kami kung saan kami puwedeng kumain. One example of making decisions na sumusunod sa signs. Pero madalas, `di naman namin sinusunod! Hahahaha... But well, I am trying it in writing...Hindi nga lang sa pamamagitan ng toss coin.

My first installment for my trilogy was the first book I write na humingi ako nang sign. Paano ba ako humingi? Well, sabi ko lang naman ay...kapag natapos ko ang librong ito...ibig sabihin, naka-move on na ako sa ex ko. Ang ginawa ko kasi roon ay ginawa kong kontrabida ang ex ko... which is hindi talaga nangyari! Gusto ko talagang maging bad villain siya. But it turned out na bumait siya. `Yun yung ayaw ko kapag nagpaplano, eh. `Di ko rin nasusunod. `Di ko naman ginawang lovable siya basta `di lang siya naging ganoon kasama kagaya ng una kong plinano. Pero tinatanong siya sa akin ng editor ko kung gagawan ko raw siya ng kuwento dahil nang in-edit daw niya, na-feel daw niya na lovable ang guy na `yun... Naloka talaga ako nang sabihin niya yun! Hahahaha.

Anyway, may ginagawa akong bagong manuscript ngayon. And this book, hihingi pa rin ako ng sign. The sign is, if na-approve, it means malaki ang pag-asa na puwedeng maging kami. Kapag na-revise at `di sinabi ang tungkol sa conflict na `yun, meron din. Kapag pina-revise at yun ang comment ay about sa conflict or na-returned `yun, wala talaga kaming pag-asa ni eherm... Hahahaha. He's really my inspiration to this book... lahat ng nararamdaman ko tungkol sa kanya at ang conflict ng relationSHIT namin. Ahahaha!

Napaka-walang kuwenta ng post na ito. May mai-post lang. Hahahaha!

Believing...

I hate arguing about religion. I'm a Catholic and I also went to a Catholic school when I was in elementary and highschool. But I am not that religious person. I am not always present in church and I don't pray the rosary that much. I prayed everyday---before I sleep and every morning after I woke up, but still, I can't categorize myself as a religious person. But I believe in God. Everytime I hear mass, I will make sure I will hear and understand the homily---especially when the priest is so good and I know I will gain knowledge with what he was saying.

Today, we both talked about religion. HIM is an Atheist---he doesnt believe in God. He has no God. I remember one time then he was asking me to explain my side about religion. I feel like I am defenseless because he had said things that kinda confused my mind. Hahaha! But still, I believe. And today, I was kinda encouraging him to believe in God.... I want him to. I even told him that when the time comes that he will believe, even Hindu God's...that would be my happiest day.

But he just said... "May your belief save you,"

I was kinda disappointed. I know it would take time but I am not losing hope. Maybe not now... but in the future... I hope someday he will realize.

And why am I telling these things? Why I want him to believe in God, too?

Because I want to be Shamcey Supsup. "And if that person truly loves me, [he] should love my God too."

Charot! Akala mo naman boyfriend ko. HAHAHA!

xx

Cady

Just as I thought.

How much is the chance that two different person would be together? Like living in a world with a "happy ever after?"

I thought because I've become a writer, I adopt those some common personality of them to be cynical in love. I thought that being in love is just for fools and so on... I thought I lost it all after all those heartbreaks I have in the past... But no... I still believe in love.

How many times did I put those words in my novels about fairy tales doesn't exist in the real world? I thought I am mature enough to stop believing in those freaking stories. But heck, I still believe in it. I still believe in an unrealistic story... Because I am a fool to believe that there can be a chance on us... Even if we live in different worlds, I am a fool of believing that we could end up being together. I even imagine how it would be like.... How would a future be with you even if I am feeling how complicated it would be. On what hardships can we experience just to fight for all of it. Just like your parents did?

But no... Maybe there is really a fairy tale that comes with a happy never after ending. Or maybe because this is really not a fairy tale. My name is a princess but my personality is far away from that. And you're a frog...not the guy in a knight in shining armor...

I should stop thinking of you. I should stop thinking of that future. Because it would be just a world full of complications... I should stop telling all of this.

I should stop being with you...I should stop loving you.

If its just too easy to be done.

xx

Cady saying thank you for her bestfriend, for waking her up....

Madaling sabihin. Mahirap gawin.

For two weeks, I'm actually having a problem. Dapat matagal ko na itong iba-blogpost dahil ang tagal na rin nito sa dibdib ko. But I want to avoid putting my negative feelings in my blog. Lalo na `yung naisip ko last time na iba-blog post ko. If I did that, kung may makakabasa man, alam kong maawa sila sa lagay ko. I don't want that to happen. I don't want pity on others. Pero dahil medyo um-okay ang mga sitwasyon, `di na kasama dito ang isa pang nararamdaman ko. All about this blogpost would be just for...HIM.

May mga na-blogpost na ako about kay HIM. Marami-rami na rin. He was someone special. Siya `yung feeling lovelife ko. Charot! Seriously, siya ang tinuturing ko na tunay na lovelife. Marami kasi talaga akong imaginary lovelife. Si HIM... Seryoso siya. Hindi ko masasabing boyfriend ko siya pero he was someone special. I knew he feels the same way, too, for me. I feel. Kaya lang...komplikado ang mga bagay para sa amin.

He had been with me for almost 2 years. We never met personally but still, he had this special place in my heart. Nakakatawa `no? But he was always there for me... THEN. Kaya siguro nahulog ang loob ko sa kanya. The way he treats me, I really feel so special. Pero dati `yun. Hindi ko ma-explain na ngayon.

There's a lot of problems between us this days. Or should I say on his part. I am always free. I always give time with him. Iyon ay dahil nga sa nararamdaman ko sa kanya. Pero palagi na lang akong naghihintay. Palagi na lang ako ang kailangang umawa. Palaging ako na lang ang maging pasenyosa.

Nakakapagod rin. Nakakasakit rin.

May mga taong nagsasabi sa akin na i-let go ko na daw ang lahat. Nasasaktan na daw kasi ako, eh.

Madaling sabihin. Mahirap gawin.

I have this classmate na palagi kong sinasabihan na... "ang tanga-tanga mo!" as in... malapit ko nang sabihin `yun sa kanya nang harapan. Kasi naman... She had been in a relationship with a guy for 3 years. Nagli-live-in na nga sila noong guy. Pero sabi nila, niloloko daw ni guy si girl. Si girl naman, ilang beses nang nakipag-break sa kanya si guy, ayon at binabalikan pa rin. Niloloko na nga siya, patuloy pa rin si girl. Ayaw niyang i-let go si guy. Inis na inis na ako sa kanya talaga. Lahat kaming magkaklase naiinis na sa relasyon nila ni guy. Nakita ko na si guy personally dahil isinama siya ni girl sa dinner sa school last december. Okay lang naman itsura ni guy. Medyo jeje type nga lang. Hindi ko matanggap na hindi niya kayang i-let go si guy. I think she deserves someone else. `Yung hindi siya sasaktan. Marami pang lalaki diyan.

Pero ganyan naman tayo palagi.

Na-realize ko na mali pala ang ginagawa ko. Na sana inintindi ko `yung classmate ko. Na-realize ko dahil sa experience na ito na kapag nagmahal ka, kahit niloloko slash sinasaktan ka na nang mahal mo, kapag minahal mo talaga, mahirap mag-let go. I'm not saying na niloloko ako ni HIM. Pero sa mga nangyayari ngayon...nasasaktan na ako. Nasasaktan ako na wala siya sa mga times na kailangan ko siya. Nasasaktan ako dahil wala siyang time sa akin. Masakit para sa akin na sinabihan niya ako na hindi ako ang priority niya. Pinilit kong intindihin iyon dahil nandiyan pa rin naman siya palagi sa tabi ko...NOON. Kahit may studies siya, nagbibigay siya ng time sa akin. Pero ngayon, feeling ko...wala na. Palagi niyang sasabihin, see you later. Pero hindi siya darating. At ako? Naghihintay ako. Kahit alam kong kailangan kong gumising nang maaga bukas, nagpupuyat ako para hintayin siya. Pero siya? Pakiramdam ko, hindi niya ako sinisingit man lang. Ah, there were times he did. Pero hindi napapantayan ang effort na ginagawa ko.

Ilang beses na akong umiyak nang dahil sa kanya. Kahit sa mga naging boyfriend ko noon, hindi ako umiyak nang ganito. Parang kaunti nga lang ang iniluha ko sa kanila.  But with HIM...kailangan ko pa talaga ng tissue para pahirin ang luha ko. Ilang beses na akong naghihintay. Para lang akong timang na nakatingin sa button na iyon kung kailan siya iilaw ng kulay green. Palagi na lamang siyang wala. Palaging ako na lang dapat ang umunawa.

Para sa future niyo `yun, natatawa ako kapag binubulungan ako ng inner self ko about that. Wow, ang lakas ng imagination ko! Hahaha! I know how important his studies to him. Pero paano naman ako? Napapagod rin ako. Tao ako. At may nararamdaman ako kaysa sa mga studies na `yan. Sana naman unahin mo rin ako kahit minsan... Sana...

Dahil hindi kita kayang i-let go. Masyado kitang mahal para gawin `yun...


xx

Cady

I'm practicing

So last night I was chatting with my "Good friend" on Gtalk. I was too happy that I tweeted about him chatting me because I missed him so much. Its been more than 2 weeks since we last talk. He mailed me last Sunday but because I feel so demanding, I think its not that enough. Hahaha!

Okay---I'm going to write on tagalog na.

Tuwang-tuwa ako nang i-chat niya ako kahapon. Sa totoo lang, masama nga ang loob ko sa kanya dahil na rin doon. I even tweeted, "Kinalimutan na niya ako" with a sad smiley face pa dahil na rin sa ilang araw naming hindi nagtsa-chat. Hindi na ako umaasang icha-chat niya ako last night kaya naman ang laki ng ngiti ko nang marinig ko `yung notif sounds na may nag-chat sa akin sa Gtalk. Dahil siya lang naman ang contact ko doon, alam na alam ko ng siya `yun.

Halos siya lang ang nagkuwento. Hinayaan ko siya since sabik ako sa kuwento niya. He is in a different world now because he is in a different city. Nakakatawa nga `yung una niyang chat sa akin. Para siyang nagrereport. Hehe! Tapos wala na siyang sinabi kundi about sa City na `yun. Ang gulo-gulo daw compared sa city kung saan siya nakatira dati. Sabi ko na lang sa kanya, bago ka pa lang diyan kaya siguro ganyan ang nararamdaman mo. Sanay kasi siya sa tahimik, kaya nanibago siya. Sa City siya nakatira pero dahil hindi naman ganoon ka-crowded `yung State nila compared sa state kung nasaan ang city na `yun. Pero sabi ko, masasanay rin siya. Ganoon naman talaga sa una. Kailangan niyang masanay para maka-survive. 3 months siya roon.

Then napunta na sa kung saan-saan ang usapan namin. Wala pa yata kaming 30 minutes na magka-chat kaya medyo na-disappoint talaga ako. I told that to him. I said I'm just being honest. Sabi niya... "Be patient. Be Tolerant."

At `yun talaga ang dahilan ng post ko. As in, naiiyak ako kagabi. Ang dami kong gustong sabihin sa kanya. Bakit ba kasi magkaiba kami? Bakit ba kasi hindi siya marunong mag-multitask? Hindi ba puwedeng kahit twice a week, mag-chat kami? Hindi ba puwedeng kahit sandali, i-mail niya man lang ako since nasa CITY nga siya at for sure naman ay maraming internet shop roon?

Haay. At ako naman si tanga, HINAYAAN na lang siya. Gusto kong magpaka-demanding pero may pumipigil sa akin. I'm a girl. I shouldn't do that. Pero shit talaga! Gustong-gusto kong bumalik sa dating kami. Para akong tanga na nagpapakamartir sa kanya! Naiinis na ako sa sarili ko. Palagi kong sinasabi, makakahanap ka rin ng ibang kagaya niya. I'm trying. Kunwari binabaling ko sa iba `yung pagka-miss ko sa kanya. Pero hindi ako makapagsinungaling sa sarili ko. Hinahanap ko siya. Hinahanap ko `yung "harhar" niya. Hinahanap ko `yung ngiti ko kapag ginagamit niya `yung sense of humour niya.

Ang tangi ko na lang sagot sa sinabi niyang be patient chenes... "I'm practicing".

But f*ck, mag-iisang taon na kaming ganito pero hindi pa rin ako nasasanay. T___T


xx

Cady